Things I Wanted to Say to My Boyfriend While He Was Sleeping Last Night

• What is Percoset? That sounds like a better name for Botox.

• When you rolled over and said, “Unghhh,” you were thinking about me, right?

• I’m going to start a body positive campaign called “Tits All Relative.”

• You know who are the worst kinds of people? The ones who have inspirational quotes in their email signatures. I’m sorry, Carol, but Marilyn Monroe would rather you get me that document on time than tell your colleagues to dance like nobody’s watching. Marilyn also thinks purple Papyrus is unprofessional. Also, I’m setting up cameras in your office. Also, she never said that.

• I’m probably not going to clean our room tomorrow like I said I would. I’m going to make macaroni and cheese and take several naps instead.

• If the ugly duckling grew up into a beautiful swan, that’s some witchcraft shit, and we need to get science on that.

• Please stop giving the cat bacon. She’s getting bold, and yesterday she took a bite of my cheese sandwich. Yesterday she also learned that she doesn’t like mustard. It was like watching a baby eat a lemon.

• The other day I was fixing my nose ring and a booger came out, but the cat was in my lap and I didn’t want to move so I stuck it on the radiator. We’re moving out in a few months, so that’s somebody else’s problem, right? I will probably not do that again.

• Remember that time I was giving you shit and then you farted in my face and I threw up? I don’t forgive you for that.