Stupid Things I Have Done and Never Told Anyone About

• Walked into a sex toy store and threw the door open so violently that it slammed into a wall of dildos, sending about a dozen of them flying and bouncing across the floor in unpredictable directions.

• Misdialed a phone number from my office phone and accidentally called a sex hotline at work.

• Got twisted up in a blanket and fell off the couch, straining a muscle in my foot and causing me to walk with a limp for a week.

• I relish in doing a bit called “Bad Comedian” in the shower in which I do horrible stand-up into my shampoo bottle. (“I have seven billion Facebook friends, because Facebook friends are like Pokemon. You gotta catch ‘em all.”)

• Got diarrhea in a hotel lobby bathroom and made an entire tour bus of people wait half an hour for me as I slowly descended into increasingly frantic panic and then told them I couldn’t find my passport to try to save face.

• Broke my toe on a Slip‘N Slide and then got them banned from my house. (Sorry, sisters.)

• Ate a two day-old taquito from 7-11 and then threw up afterwards.

• Lightly rear-ended a car because I sneezed too hard. (No damage was done.)

• Being embarrassed that I had started smoking again, I sprayed myself with a bathroom product called Poo-Purri for two weeks, leaving my colleagues confused about the brief period in which the office smelled like ginger.

• Blew out a speaker in my car listening to Britney Spears.

• Drove an hour to work, sat down at my desk, realized there was cat pee all over my shirt, left immediately and worked the rest of the day from home. Earned the nickname “Pee Pants” for this.

• Dropped butter on the cat and then wiped it off with a waffle. Ate said waffle. Throat was scratchy for an hour afterwards.

• Coughed so hard I threw up in a Metra train bathroom and then hid in there until everyone left.

• Ran over a cone with my car pulling out of a parking spot which got stuck in my wheel well and required a team of good Samaritans to work it out of there, causing me to be late to work.

• Walked into my new gynecologist’s office not realizing I was in the wrong place and tried to check in to an under construction Timberland’s for a Pap smear.

• Threw a cigarette out my car window which came back in and went down the back of my pants, burning a hole in my pants and underwear and causing me to almost rear-end the car in front of me.

• Walked into a door frame trying to find my keys in the dark, resulting in a black eye.

• Had a dirty dream about Kendrick Lamar. Woke up because I peed a little.