Reasons I Might Be Kind of an Idiot

• As a child, I thought the phrase was “hard to make ends-meat,” as in an expensive, complicated-to-make delicacy that one simply could not afford.

• I once repelled a man because I had a chunk of deodorant in my armpit.

• I woke up late and didn’t have time to wash my hair before work so I was going to just take a quick body shower and then put my hair up but I stepped on the shower curtain and fell down and got my hair wet so I had to wash it anyway.

• I cried the other day because I realized the probability of outliving my cat. I then spent several minutes internally debating if cats could make horcruxes and if this would bother me.

• I have no idea where my car is parked right now.

• I just realized that I have been confusing the words “sympathy” and “empathy” for the last twenty-nine years. I have been in at least two debates about this, so that’s good.

• I ran out of toilet paper once and was in a bit of a bind so I used dryer sheets instead.

• I once bought a leash and tried to take my cat for a walk. She peed all over me in fear.

• I bought a record player eight months ago in an attempt to start a collection. I now have two records.

• In college, I walked past someone on the street who I thought was my friend and said “hello,” but it wasn’t him, and then a few days later I did it again, so he said “hello” back and then for the rest of the semester we would greet each other until, several months later, he finally asked me how we knew each other and I told him that we didn’t. He was confused.

• I thought Forest Whitaker was dead for about three years.

• I partially amputated my finger in a Port-A-Potty door. (It’s fine now.)

• I intentionally shot the 8-Ball into the pocket because I confused it with the 4-Ball, thereby losing the game.

• I once got drunk in London and woke up with no eyelashes on my right eye. I have no idea how this happened.

• I thought “Apocalypse Now” and “Mars Attacks!” were the same movie.

• I often check to make sure I still have shoes on.

• I wore a lot of candy necklaces in high school.