Notes From My Phone, or The Things I Think About When I'm Supposed to be Listening to Other People

• Rejecting a guy because he smells like bug spray

• The sidewalk makes a good nail file in a pinch.

• Having radiators in your apartment must be what menopause is like.

• Learning to be single is like remembering how to ride a bike. You know you used to be able to do this, but then you’re flying out of control into somebody’s pants.

• Haters gonna give you anxiety.

• Edgar Allen Poo (Halloween Costume)

• Spider veins are scarier than actual spiders.

• We live in a society where it’s taboo to talk about sex but you can be at a bar with your friends and announce that you are going to excrete waste from your genitals in a germy poop closet and everyone’s like, cool, I’ll save your seat.

• Living above a crossfit studio is like The Tell-Tale Heart, except the murder is still being planned.

• “The Mummy” is so stressful.

• Is there an effective workout for jowls?

• The porn awards should be called The Grabbies.

• I have more opinions on comma splices than I do on the presidential election.

• At to polyiyly quarrel with some unsuspecting family if (Best guess: drunk or sleeping.)

• Why are my eyebrows so angry when I smile?

• The difference between green banana and brown banana is like fifteen minutes.

• Cat litter, hammer, Christmas stocking, wine

• My teeth are tanner than my face.

• Like that time I thought I had ringworm, but it turned out to be eczema

• [Redacted] looks like a Polish Teddy Graham.

• Mr. Peanut