Rejecting a guy because he smells like bug spray

The sidewalk makes a good nail file in a pinch.

Having radiators in your apartment must be what menopause is like.

Learning to be single is like remembering how to ride a bike. You know you used to be able to do this, but then you’re flying out of control into somebody’s pants.

Haters gonna give you anxiety.

Edgar Allen Poo (Halloween Costume)

Spider veins are scarier than actual spiders.

We live in a society where it’s taboo to talk about sex but you can be at a bar with your friends and announce that you are going to excrete waste from your genitals in a germy poop closet and everyone’s like, cool, I’ll save your seat.

Living above a crossfit studio is like The Tell-Tale Heart, except the murder is still being planned.

“The Mummy” is so stressful.

Is there an effective workout for jowls?

The porn awards should be called The Grabbies.

I have more opinions on comma splices than I do on the presidential election.

At to polyiyly quarrel with some unsuspecting family if (Best guess: drunk or sleeping.)

Why are my eyebrows so angry when I smile?

The difference between green banana and brown banana is like fifteen minutes.

Cat litter, hammer, Christmas stocking, wine

My teeth are tanner than my face.

Like that time I thought I had ringworm, but it turned out to be eczema

[Redacted] looks like a Polish Teddy Graham.

Mr. Peanut