Things I Have Confused in My Brain That I’m Just Going to Say Are Totally Reasonable

• I thought my coworker was from Barrington. He’s from Highland Park. His name is Barry.

• I thought Treasure Island, the discount grocery chain, was a sex shop. This led to a lot of confusion about my friends’ discussions of their weekly trips to Treasure Island and all the great deals they got there, and my uncertainty as to how they were regularly incorporating pork chops and cheese puffs into the bedroom. Although I was very impressed with their attitudes of sex positivity.

• I once thought I had ringworm but it ended up being eczema, as the CVS pharmacist so kindly pointed out.

• I thought Casey Kasem and Fred Willard were the same person.

• I once thought I had appendicitis but in reality I just hadn’t pooped in a while.

• I thought Ryan Adams (Wikipedia description: American singer-songwriter, musician, multi-instrumentalist, record producer and poet) and Ryan Cabrera (early 2000’s pop artist with a hairstyle akin to gelling it straight up and then trimming it with a guillotine) were the same person.

• When people talked about the movie Apocalypse Now, I was picturing Mars Attacks!

• I thought Tara Reid was dead until about a year ago.

• I once thought I was having a heart attack but it turned out I just drank too much caffeine.

• I thought it was illegal to swear in Michigan.